Fashion Guide for Romantic Heroes
A.k.a.
The Quirky Eye for the Hero Guy
Having read a fair variety of romances in almost every genre-admittedly I haven't read "girl loves armadillo" romance yet-and found such delights as a Saxon warrior and his iridescent codpiece. I've taken it upon myself to compile a short exposé of high fashion, intended for romantically inclined Heroes of all ages. Dare I suggest this advice should be read somewhat tongue in cheek. (No dear, not someone else's cheek…) Hopefully it will be as educational as it is understandable to a native born Chinese tailor with no second language.
Here it is the definitive guide to How Clothes Rock, and the quickest way to get them off in a sewage filled alley.
1. Vampire heroes. Should always wear black Armani cloak, shoes, pants, and jacket. White shirt is essential -- because white really shows the blood stains and, hey, blood stains are really sexy. Long and thick hair, preferably black or silver/white (remember those blood stains?) Vampire heroes are often well shaved but also known to be sexy with designer stubble. Since everyone knows that vampire hair doesn't grow because they're dead, they've cultivated this look over centuries by virtue of raiding barber shops and using superglue. Historic vampires are always dressed as gentlemen (See regency heroes below). Alternative dress: tight fitting black pants, a sexy smile and fangs.
2. Werewolf heroes. A werewolf hero wears real homey and country style clothes, lumberjack shirts, jeans, designer names if possible and in a plentiful supply since they frequently get torn to shreds during a full moon. Alternative dress: for alpha/lone wolves and ones that manage to change out of their clothing before the full moon. Smart Armani suits, normally dark to black, white shirt with matching burgundy tie -- hey, they're a little smarter than vampires, you'll never see a werewolf with a bloodstained tie. Both types should have long thick hair, colored according to the fur color of their wolf form; they look much more interesting if the hair is streaked. Usually smoothly shaved, after all they really go overboard with the facial hair at the full moon, why would they want it as men? Second alternative dress: tight fitting black pants with shredded white shirt that hides nothing.
3. Regency heroes. Smartly pressed dark pants and jacket, white frilly shirt which is good for tangling fingers in. Always carry a spare overcoat for those times when the heroine has to take off her clothes because a. she's fallen in a pond, marsh, river, mud pool, swimming pool, heavy rain. b. has been nearly ravished by the bad guy and her clothes are in tatters. Short cut, manly hair, Regency gentlemen are always well shaved -- only the retired, podgy military have facial hair. Alternative dress: dark pants and a devilishly sexy smile. Always good for the abs shots
4. Scottish historic heroes: A kilt. Long thick locks of favorite color hair. Scottish heroes painstakingly pluck out their own beards so they have a baby smooth face. It's essential that underwear isn't worn with the kilt and a handy claymore is always nearby to slay a few Sassenach's, or at least something he can use to impress his Sassenach heroine with. ("Oh, my, your claymore is much bigger than Roger's…") Alternative dress: strategically placed HUGE sporran and a smile.
5. Contemporary heroes. A smart suit, preferably Armani or other designer, usually black, or dark blue. Handkerchief is always available for the damsel in distress or for mopping up after a quickie in the closet -- for those many occasions where the hero forgot to bring a condom. Hair is always short and usually dark, manly and always in place -- a fact the heroine is frequently jealous of. Smooth shaven, though in the case of being stranded on a desert island, chased across country, living rough while rescuing heroine etc. some designer stubble is wowser and eminently acceptable. Alternative Dress: sexy hip hugging bath robe open to the hips with chest and hair damp from the shower and an even sexier smile
6. Fantasy heroes. Fantasy heroes fall into two types. You have the brash, muscular and bold Conan style. Bare chested, fur covered shoulders, straps for boots and the kill all huge two handed axe or sword with a loincloth or short pants/skirt. Then the dark broody type, designer stubble, long hair, lanky, slightly grubby armor. Leggings, tunic and boots. Still got whopper of a sword. Sometimes this kind of hero is also occasionally dressed in nice smart clothes, clean-shaven and very middle class-ish. Alternative dress: up to the neck in a lagoon or pool of crystal clear water and a devilish sexy smile.
7. Futuristic/Sci-Fi. Futuristic heroes in romance generally have the skin tight clothes that show every curving muscle of the body. Sometimes the shirt is removed and is frequently lost in; battle scenes, sex scenes, domination scenes, mad man-eating monster scenes, throwing-in-the-kitchen-sink scenes. Shaving isn't necessary since futuristic man has gene altered his body to never have facial hair. He used to have short cropped hair but is tending now to long flowing locks. Just think of the fun you can have with those long flowing locks. Alternative dress: long flowing locks, just showered bare chest and a cybernetic thong with automatic enhancement software installed and a knowing, sexy smile.
8. Western heroes. Two must have at all times items. Hat and gun. Occasionally the third must have item is the Dawg. Frequently found with designer stubble, and dusty western denim/canvas pants (depending on era) leather jacket and shirt, a bandana is optional depending on whether they work the plains or chop wood in the forests. Note though that Dust is a prerequisite for good Western romance. Spurs are also pretty useful for a Western cowboy out on the town, but care must be taken to remove these before sex since they tend to tear the bed sheets. Alternative dress: spurs, a Dawg and a super-sexy smile.
9. Viking heroes. Vikings first and foremost carry a whopping big weapon. No, not the thing in their pants. Here we're talking about a big axe or sword, a nice hefty shield and a wild, ready-to-go-berserk look in their eyes. Top this off with a long woolen shirt (them fjords are cold ya know), long cloth pants tied up with a sash or drawstring. Then, because it is cold, a three quarter coat and a belt. Socks, those one and only truly unromantic things about menswear, with soft leather shoes or boots completes the Runway style for your average Viking. Unless, of course, he rages into battle then he wears a chain mail vest and a little horny helmet too. (Yeah, yeah, I saw what you were thinking.) All Vikings, by dint of their heritage, must have long golden locks of hair, long handsome beards and not a single flea. Alternative dress: Standing out in the middle of an English meadow, 45 degrees cold, with his axe, his horny hat and a wild, ready-to-go-berserk, grin.
10. Saxon heroes. Saxons were rather boring. Wearing a keyhole tunic, and cloth pants. They also wore soft leather shoes and, if they really have to, a sword. (Hey, everyone knows Saxons are wimps and only the Vikings are big, strong and brave.) Leather armor is common and if you're lucky a bit of chain mail, a helmet and a shield make up the final look. Saxon hero's invariably have short hair since they were a race of barbers, and were always smoothly shaven. After all they had to do something when they sheltered inside their huts from all that rain. Confusingly Saxon heroes also have perpetually blond hair. Bleached, no doubt from all that sunshine-you know, that stuff that comes between the rains. Alternative dress: A sheepish smile and some burnt cakes.
The Quirky Eye for the Hero Guy
Having read a fair variety of romances in almost every genre-admittedly I haven't read "girl loves armadillo" romance yet-and found such delights as a Saxon warrior and his iridescent codpiece. I've taken it upon myself to compile a short exposé of high fashion, intended for romantically inclined Heroes of all ages. Dare I suggest this advice should be read somewhat tongue in cheek. (No dear, not someone else's cheek…) Hopefully it will be as educational as it is understandable to a native born Chinese tailor with no second language.
Here it is the definitive guide to How Clothes Rock, and the quickest way to get them off in a sewage filled alley.
1. Vampire heroes. Should always wear black Armani cloak, shoes, pants, and jacket. White shirt is essential -- because white really shows the blood stains and, hey, blood stains are really sexy. Long and thick hair, preferably black or silver/white (remember those blood stains?) Vampire heroes are often well shaved but also known to be sexy with designer stubble. Since everyone knows that vampire hair doesn't grow because they're dead, they've cultivated this look over centuries by virtue of raiding barber shops and using superglue. Historic vampires are always dressed as gentlemen (See regency heroes below). Alternative dress: tight fitting black pants, a sexy smile and fangs.
2. Werewolf heroes. A werewolf hero wears real homey and country style clothes, lumberjack shirts, jeans, designer names if possible and in a plentiful supply since they frequently get torn to shreds during a full moon. Alternative dress: for alpha/lone wolves and ones that manage to change out of their clothing before the full moon. Smart Armani suits, normally dark to black, white shirt with matching burgundy tie -- hey, they're a little smarter than vampires, you'll never see a werewolf with a bloodstained tie. Both types should have long thick hair, colored according to the fur color of their wolf form; they look much more interesting if the hair is streaked. Usually smoothly shaved, after all they really go overboard with the facial hair at the full moon, why would they want it as men? Second alternative dress: tight fitting black pants with shredded white shirt that hides nothing.
3. Regency heroes. Smartly pressed dark pants and jacket, white frilly shirt which is good for tangling fingers in. Always carry a spare overcoat for those times when the heroine has to take off her clothes because a. she's fallen in a pond, marsh, river, mud pool, swimming pool, heavy rain. b. has been nearly ravished by the bad guy and her clothes are in tatters. Short cut, manly hair, Regency gentlemen are always well shaved -- only the retired, podgy military have facial hair. Alternative dress: dark pants and a devilishly sexy smile. Always good for the abs shots
4. Scottish historic heroes: A kilt. Long thick locks of favorite color hair. Scottish heroes painstakingly pluck out their own beards so they have a baby smooth face. It's essential that underwear isn't worn with the kilt and a handy claymore is always nearby to slay a few Sassenach's, or at least something he can use to impress his Sassenach heroine with. ("Oh, my, your claymore is much bigger than Roger's…") Alternative dress: strategically placed HUGE sporran and a smile.
5. Contemporary heroes. A smart suit, preferably Armani or other designer, usually black, or dark blue. Handkerchief is always available for the damsel in distress or for mopping up after a quickie in the closet -- for those many occasions where the hero forgot to bring a condom. Hair is always short and usually dark, manly and always in place -- a fact the heroine is frequently jealous of. Smooth shaven, though in the case of being stranded on a desert island, chased across country, living rough while rescuing heroine etc. some designer stubble is wowser and eminently acceptable. Alternative Dress: sexy hip hugging bath robe open to the hips with chest and hair damp from the shower and an even sexier smile
6. Fantasy heroes. Fantasy heroes fall into two types. You have the brash, muscular and bold Conan style. Bare chested, fur covered shoulders, straps for boots and the kill all huge two handed axe or sword with a loincloth or short pants/skirt. Then the dark broody type, designer stubble, long hair, lanky, slightly grubby armor. Leggings, tunic and boots. Still got whopper of a sword. Sometimes this kind of hero is also occasionally dressed in nice smart clothes, clean-shaven and very middle class-ish. Alternative dress: up to the neck in a lagoon or pool of crystal clear water and a devilish sexy smile.
7. Futuristic/Sci-Fi. Futuristic heroes in romance generally have the skin tight clothes that show every curving muscle of the body. Sometimes the shirt is removed and is frequently lost in; battle scenes, sex scenes, domination scenes, mad man-eating monster scenes, throwing-in-the-kitchen-sink scenes. Shaving isn't necessary since futuristic man has gene altered his body to never have facial hair. He used to have short cropped hair but is tending now to long flowing locks. Just think of the fun you can have with those long flowing locks. Alternative dress: long flowing locks, just showered bare chest and a cybernetic thong with automatic enhancement software installed and a knowing, sexy smile.
8. Western heroes. Two must have at all times items. Hat and gun. Occasionally the third must have item is the Dawg. Frequently found with designer stubble, and dusty western denim/canvas pants (depending on era) leather jacket and shirt, a bandana is optional depending on whether they work the plains or chop wood in the forests. Note though that Dust is a prerequisite for good Western romance. Spurs are also pretty useful for a Western cowboy out on the town, but care must be taken to remove these before sex since they tend to tear the bed sheets. Alternative dress: spurs, a Dawg and a super-sexy smile.
9. Viking heroes. Vikings first and foremost carry a whopping big weapon. No, not the thing in their pants. Here we're talking about a big axe or sword, a nice hefty shield and a wild, ready-to-go-berserk look in their eyes. Top this off with a long woolen shirt (them fjords are cold ya know), long cloth pants tied up with a sash or drawstring. Then, because it is cold, a three quarter coat and a belt. Socks, those one and only truly unromantic things about menswear, with soft leather shoes or boots completes the Runway style for your average Viking. Unless, of course, he rages into battle then he wears a chain mail vest and a little horny helmet too. (Yeah, yeah, I saw what you were thinking.) All Vikings, by dint of their heritage, must have long golden locks of hair, long handsome beards and not a single flea. Alternative dress: Standing out in the middle of an English meadow, 45 degrees cold, with his axe, his horny hat and a wild, ready-to-go-berserk, grin.
10. Saxon heroes. Saxons were rather boring. Wearing a keyhole tunic, and cloth pants. They also wore soft leather shoes and, if they really have to, a sword. (Hey, everyone knows Saxons are wimps and only the Vikings are big, strong and brave.) Leather armor is common and if you're lucky a bit of chain mail, a helmet and a shield make up the final look. Saxon hero's invariably have short hair since they were a race of barbers, and were always smoothly shaven. After all they had to do something when they sheltered inside their huts from all that rain. Confusingly Saxon heroes also have perpetually blond hair. Bleached, no doubt from all that sunshine-you know, that stuff that comes between the rains. Alternative dress: A sheepish smile and some burnt cakes.
posted by sjwilling | 11:02 PM
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