A Shocking Walk Down Penney Lane
During one of my lesser moments of sanity I browsed through the latest J. C. Penney Christmas catalog that live journal user tree220 had recently had delivered to the apartment. Live journal user tree220's addiction to catalogs of all pretty sizes and colors is well known. Not so well known is my aversion, bordering on paranoia, of having piles of breeding catalogs and magazines quietly procreating in huge piles, corners and hidden closets. I swear they are more prolific than rabbits.
On this occasion though, whilst sitting around and pondering on the inanities of life, the universe and will the boogie man really get me if I don't eat my cabbage? I decided to flick through the glossy multicolored pages and take a peek at the wondrous offerings for this year's celebratory vacations.
I found myself overly impressed and must congratulate manufacturers world-wide for bringing to us a much greater variety of torture devices, in the name of pleasure, than ever before available on the open market. Who needs the Spanish inquisition when you have gifts like these?
1. For the kids -- We're all gonna meet a few toads in our lifetime, so why not start them young by giving them their very own personal CD Frog Stand. At least this way you'll understand why so many of their CD's suddenly croak.
2. For the man in your life -- Try giving him a Jewelled tiara thong A full bikini wax is recommended before wear, or you need to be mighty plucky, pubic hair plucky that is. Alternatively, of course, if he decides to wear it, take your video camera and let's all share in the fun. Warning - do not use if he is weak of heart
3. For yourself -- Guaranteed, in the long term, to increase body fat, risk of clogged arteries and incidents of diabetes while at the same time looking very attractive on your dining table. Why not buy yourself a Chocolate Fondue Fountain And it only holds a mere 2lb of chocolate, surely you can get through that in an hour or so? Warning -- Do not use when alone in the house, late at night, or after a broken relationship - unless you have a couple of spare 6lb bags of chocolate chips available.
4. For the Lush of your life -- Why wait until you hit the bar or home to get drunk? With the amazing Portable Martini Set now you can share your addiction anywhere: on the bus, the metro, while driving your car on I495. Warning -- not recommended for use in the prisoner processing rooms of your local police station.
5. In the olden days the rack was a useful and very efficient torture device. Now, instead of stretching your intended victims, squash them with the Circular Video Rocker Chair Save it for your favorite granny or grandad. Lifetime guarantee that once they sit in this they are stuck for life. Warning, bring plenty of oxygen bottles, not for the faint-hearted.
6. For those of you who really don't feel fat enough, or those who want to experience the joys of being supremely overweight. Try the patented Belly Booster. For a more realistic experience, lead weights can be substituted for the lightweight foam insert. Remember; stomach in, chest out! Warning -- not to be worn in the vicinity of your local obesity clinic.
7. For the fianceé -- She always wanted that extra special, super huge diamond engagement ring so buy her The Rock. The only one who'll be complaining with a ring this big is you -- from a stretcher at your local hospital's emergency department. Warning -- ensure delivery takes place three weeks after you have emigrated for life to a country without deportation agreements to the USA.
8. Following complaints from concerned parents that pedophiles are pretending to be Santa Claus at local Mall grottos, we have come up with an excellent alternative solution. Try the Dog Santa Suit the safe and fun alternate to sitting on a pervert's lap. Warning -- Has occasionally been caught sniffing crotches and butts. Keep a local abuse counselor at hand.
9. Is your Santa Clause the friendly neighborhood pedophile? Find out with this nifty little Shocking Liar kit. Just ask really embarrassing questions until he screams. Warning -- Buy plenty of spare batteries on the off chance yourvictim interviewee is a masochist.
10. Tired of playing war games where it really doesn't feel like the real thing? Then join in the pain with these two wonderful devices. Get up close and personal with the remote control Shocking Tanks or for that long distance, tingle in the tangle, shoot them from afar with the Shocking Laser You know you only hurt the ones you love, so love your friends and family this holiday season. Warning -- not recommended for those who don't love pain. And not for those wearing pacemakers or other electronic medical implants since it tends to kill ya.
On this occasion though, whilst sitting around and pondering on the inanities of life, the universe and will the boogie man really get me if I don't eat my cabbage? I decided to flick through the glossy multicolored pages and take a peek at the wondrous offerings for this year's celebratory vacations.
I found myself overly impressed and must congratulate manufacturers world-wide for bringing to us a much greater variety of torture devices, in the name of pleasure, than ever before available on the open market. Who needs the Spanish inquisition when you have gifts like these?
1. For the kids -- We're all gonna meet a few toads in our lifetime, so why not start them young by giving them their very own personal CD Frog Stand. At least this way you'll understand why so many of their CD's suddenly croak.
2. For the man in your life -- Try giving him a Jewelled tiara thong A full bikini wax is recommended before wear, or you need to be mighty plucky, pubic hair plucky that is. Alternatively, of course, if he decides to wear it, take your video camera and let's all share in the fun. Warning - do not use if he is weak of heart
3. For yourself -- Guaranteed, in the long term, to increase body fat, risk of clogged arteries and incidents of diabetes while at the same time looking very attractive on your dining table. Why not buy yourself a Chocolate Fondue Fountain And it only holds a mere 2lb of chocolate, surely you can get through that in an hour or so? Warning -- Do not use when alone in the house, late at night, or after a broken relationship - unless you have a couple of spare 6lb bags of chocolate chips available.
4. For the Lush of your life -- Why wait until you hit the bar or home to get drunk? With the amazing Portable Martini Set now you can share your addiction anywhere: on the bus, the metro, while driving your car on I495. Warning -- not recommended for use in the prisoner processing rooms of your local police station.
5. In the olden days the rack was a useful and very efficient torture device. Now, instead of stretching your intended victims, squash them with the Circular Video Rocker Chair Save it for your favorite granny or grandad. Lifetime guarantee that once they sit in this they are stuck for life. Warning, bring plenty of oxygen bottles, not for the faint-hearted.
6. For those of you who really don't feel fat enough, or those who want to experience the joys of being supremely overweight. Try the patented Belly Booster. For a more realistic experience, lead weights can be substituted for the lightweight foam insert. Remember; stomach in, chest out! Warning -- not to be worn in the vicinity of your local obesity clinic.
7. For the fianceé -- She always wanted that extra special, super huge diamond engagement ring so buy her The Rock. The only one who'll be complaining with a ring this big is you -- from a stretcher at your local hospital's emergency department. Warning -- ensure delivery takes place three weeks after you have emigrated for life to a country without deportation agreements to the USA.
8. Following complaints from concerned parents that pedophiles are pretending to be Santa Claus at local Mall grottos, we have come up with an excellent alternative solution. Try the Dog Santa Suit the safe and fun alternate to sitting on a pervert's lap. Warning -- Has occasionally been caught sniffing crotches and butts. Keep a local abuse counselor at hand.
9. Is your Santa Clause the friendly neighborhood pedophile? Find out with this nifty little Shocking Liar kit. Just ask really embarrassing questions until he screams. Warning -- Buy plenty of spare batteries on the off chance your
10. Tired of playing war games where it really doesn't feel like the real thing? Then join in the pain with these two wonderful devices. Get up close and personal with the remote control Shocking Tanks or for that long distance, tingle in the tangle, shoot them from afar with the Shocking Laser You know you only hurt the ones you love, so love your friends and family this holiday season. Warning -- not recommended for those who don't love pain. And not for those wearing pacemakers or other electronic medical implants since it tends to kill ya.
posted by sjwilling | 9:50 PM
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